If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
