i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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