My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Houston, we have a blender
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
