I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
