I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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