Yo dont text me then not text me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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