Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
