that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
