We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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