Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
