I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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