theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
