I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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