Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
