It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
