I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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