the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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