I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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