I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
