Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
