I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
