Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
