dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
