Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
