Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize