it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
