my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
