I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I deserve this hangover.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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