HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
