I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
