Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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