if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
