I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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