I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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