I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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