You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
