I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
