True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
