I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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