The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
