I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
