I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i love accidental penises.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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