The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
