I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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