I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
