Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
