Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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