This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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