note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
