I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
His nipple licking is glorious
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