before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
