Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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