I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
