i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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