forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
