I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
