I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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