a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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