Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
