The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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