I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
