I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Operation Purity has been aborted
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
