oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
did i just pee glitter
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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