i think my tv is drunk
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
